I Won The Lottery, The Complete Sage

Damn, these Nigerian 419 scammers are getting wise to our tricks. It only took two e-mails from me to scare this guy off. FYI 419 scams are the e-mail that you get from strange African banking officials trying to use you to stash money for them. They're bad guys, and sadly, ignorant people actually give them their banking info. Anyway, I like my e-mails to this guy, so here they are for your reading (dis)pleasure:

Based on my latest batch of e-mails, I am a very respected and lucky person, and I have Africa to thank. Several disgraced former dignitaries from numerous African republics have seen fit to honor me with their trust in helping them retrieve their lost fortunes. I expect to receive a sizeable commission for my troubles. However, that's chump change compared to the $2,000,000 prize that I just won in the South African Lottery. Check out this e-mail:

From The Desk of Mrs. Dagmar Rodriguez
(An Independent Draw Auditors & Management Co-ordinators)
Euro/Afro/ Asia/America International Lottery
Promotional Programme Award.
# Lotteries Headquarters: 31, Brixon Court, Carlton East Gate, Johannesburg, Republic of South Africa.
SUB "LOTTERY WINNING NOTIFICATION"
Attn: Dear Winner,
Congratulations!!! We wish to use this medium to officially notify you on the final notification that your email address was selected among the 100 Star/Lucky Winners Worldwide for the South African National Lotteries Promotional Programme based on the South African 2010 World Cup hosting as announced on Saturday, 15 May, 2004 by FIFA in Zurich, Switzerland to be played in South Africa in 2010. You're Email address attached to the Ticket Number: (B9665 75608567 775) with! BATCH NUMBER: 15/76/EF36 and SERIAL NUMBER (SALP97585) drew the winning: (04/13/21/27/36/38-45) in this Month's Lottery Result, which subsequently bestow on you the Lottery Award Winner in the 2nd Category of this Lottery Programme. All participants were selected randomly from the Worldwide Business and Trade Journals, Web-Site & Email addresses through Computer Super Draw System and extracted from over 1.000.000 (One Million) individual Emails, Companies and Corporate Organizations Names and Addresses as listed from their various Country's Trade and Investment Journals in their Web-site from Africa, Middle East, Asia, Europe, New Zealand and Australia, North - South and Central America to promote this Lottery Programme Award by the Independent Lottery Draw Auditors.
You're Name and Ref. File Number has therefore been approved to claim a Total Sum of US$2.000.000.00 (Two Million United States Dollars) in cash credited to REF. FILE NO# (KPC/9030108308/04). This is from the Total Cash Prize of US$200.000.000.00 (Two Hundred Million United States Dollars) Jackpot to be shared among the first 100 (One Hundred) LUCKY WINNERS in the 2nd Category Worldwide this year 2006 in this Lottery Programme. Please note that your Lucky Winning Numbers falls within our Lottery Booklet Representative office here in Johannesburg, South Africa as indicated in the Play Coupon of the National Lottery Board Commission Award in Johannesburg, South African Regional Office of this Lottery Board. In view of this, your US$2.000.000.00 (Two Million United States Dollars) would be released to you by our Accredited Representative "Lottery Consultant Claim Agent " immediately he commences the processes to facilitate the release and transfer of your funds as soon as you contact him as allocated and insured under your Ref. File Numbers, approved and signed as the beneficiary to this fund in your name. Also your claim award included with Free Flight Ticket and Seven (7) Days Hotel Reservation in one of the Five Star Hotels during the World Cup Festive in 2010.
This Lottery Programme took place to promote the South African 2010 World Cup hosting as announced by FIFA in Zurich Switzerland to be played in South Africa in 2010. For Security reasons, you are advised to keep your winning information CONFIDENTIAL till your claims are processed and your money remitted to you for being one of our Lucky Winners of this Lottery prize. This is part of our precautionary measure to avoid double claiming and unwarranted abuse of this programme by some unscrupulous elements. (Please be warned). To file for your claim, please contact one of our Accredited/Authorized Representatives Lottery Consultant Claim Agent immediately.
His contact information is as follows:
Name: Duncan SitholeDirector for Foreign Exchange Transfer Dept.

Impressive, eh? Sadly, I used Google to determine that I am not eligible to receive my prize, as it is against federal law to participate in foreign lotteries. Fucking restrictive US government! Anyway, it turns out that this "lottery" e-mail is just a scam, and since I hate scam artists, I've decided to mess around with these scumbags. Here is the e-mail I sent in response (from a different, anonymous e-mail address):

Mr. Sithole,

Thank you for the most amazing e-mail of my entire life. $2 million dollars?!? I have never won so much as a bingo game in my life, and I've played the California lottery unsuccessfully for many years with nothing to show for it. So, to come home after a hard night of drinking at my local bar and find that I am now richer than I've ever dreamed, I can certainly say this is a dream come true.

The e-mail I received was somewhat vague about how to collect my winnings, and I am certainly willing to do whatever it takes to facilitate their transfer to me in the most expedient manner possible. To be honest, I could use the money as soon as possible, as I can use the funds to enter the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas. I am a great player, but until this unexpected windfall, I have never had the bankroll to prove my abilities on the big stage, ala Mike McDermott in my favorite movie "Rounders".

I can't believe South Africa is so progressive in raising funds for the Copa Mundial in 2010; I don't even like soccer, aka football, and it is ironic, don't you think, that I made my fortune because of it. Thank you so much, and I await your response with bated breath. If you can do an EFT or ACH Debit to my checking account, all the better, as I need to enter the tournament soon.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for my good fortune!

Sincerely,

Stewart Ungyere

Here's part 2 of the saga:

When last we spoke, I had just responded to Mr. Duncan Sithole, the contact at the South African lottery office who was going to pay me my money. I received a prompt reply from him, and here it is:

From: Mr. Duncan Sithole.

Attn: Stewart Ungyere,

With regard to your mail which I acknowledge the receipt herein, I am Mr. Duncan Sithole the processing and approval officer of your file till you confirm your prize winning safe into your designated local bank account.Note, If you wish to process your claims, find attached the processing form which you're required to complete accordingly with your winning reference number etc indicated in your notification messages as other various files and names coming from the Independent auditors and financial management firms that is handling the Draw Winning Notifications of this Lottery Program, based on their processes of drawing the winning result from their Data System, your name was among the lucky winners of the South African World Cup Bid 2010 Lottery programme world wide.Also scan a copy of your identity document or international passport or drivers licence for personal identification.

However, kindly be adviced that this Lottery Programme is Legitimate, reality and is been introduced to promote the South African winning Bid as the first African Nation to host the World Biggest Football Tournament in the World, come the year 2010 in Africa. We would like to inform you that, we shall require all your winning Reference Numbers etc as filed in your Winning Data notification records from the Independent Auditors and Financial Management Firms, in other to ascertain,approve and compile your file that was forwarded to us.

Note, as part of the board general operational policy, guideline and procedure in processing all prize claims you are therefore, required to fill accurately the forms. This is a stipulated law by the board of committee, due to the misconduct of people claiming to have won prizes, which does not belong to them. These document protect the organization from fraud stars, double claimimg, as well as your humble self in accordance with the South African financial and gambling regulatory act. Of 1996 as amended in 2001 but mostly for future references. In this regard, you are also to state the amount of your winning prize properly, as any mistake (on the verification form) will lead to cancellation, scanning back to this office for verification, approval and processing of your winning.

Finally, be informed that all the winning prize claims must be remitted before the 30 banking working days from the notification date, and every winning prize amount of the lottery programme that is left unclaimed shall be considered a donation to the charity organization for failure to claim of your winning prize at the stipulated date. Youre advice to keep all informations and documents concerning your winning award personally to avoid double claiming or entering into wrong hand/hands as instructed by the board. Thanks

Duncan Sithole

The form looked legitimate, but of course, asked for a bunch of personal banking information that would enable "Mr. Sithole" to clean my meager life savings out completely (maybe he's my ex-wife in disguise). Since there's no way he's getting my $50, I sent him this response:

My dearest friend Duncan (may I call you Duncan?),
I was so excited to see your response to my query, as I was afraid I was the victim of a practical joke. I still can't believe my good fortune, and my life, which was once so bleak, empty and devoid of joy, is now one filled with love, friendship and a promise of a future that will take me to places I have only read about in books. I am sorry it has been several days since your response, but to be honest, I have been on quite the spending spree. I used to worry about my reckless spending habits, and while some have accused me of "counting my chickens before they're hatched" (I wonder what the phrase is translated into South African), I know in my heart that God himself has blessed me with true friends in your republic who are going to prove them wrong about spending my life savings before I've received my winnings. You wouldn't believe what I just purchased: a 1953 Kaiser Darrin convertible, which is the most beautiful American automobile ever produced. It was only $55,000, which is now a small price to pay for such beauty. Can you believe it? I've been driving the same 1982 Chrysler LeBaron for the past 15 years, and now I am behind the wheel of this work of art. And I owe it all to you, good sir!!! I would kiss you if I were in South Africa!

As I have been so busy purchasing a new car, wardrobe, the entire Criterion Collection DVD set, and a membership at my local country club (not to mention some awesome Ping golf clubs), I have been remiss in forwarding my banking information to you. I tried to open the attachment, but my e-mail couldn't handle it. My friend asked me to have you inbed (?) it into the body of your next e-mail. Also, I will be playing in a World Series of Poker event this week, so I will have limited access to my e-mail (I was able to borrow the entry fee from a nice Sicillian gentleman named Nicholas Santoro, based solely on your e-mail - he mentioned something called a vig but was vague about what it meant; he did tell me that if I couldn't repay him by the end of next week that vig is tacked onto principal and continues to accrue - you may have more experience in banking than me, but I have no idea what he's talking about). Obviously, I want to repay this debt soon, so please forward my winnings to me as soon as possible. If the EFT or ACH Debit (again, stuff I really don't understand) don't work, you could also send me a check; the local check cashing place said they have the funds to cover the withdrawal.
Thank you again! I would love to have you as my guest in my suite at the Rio here in Vegas, and I GUARANTEE you that we will have a great time (I have several ladies who work at the "Tilted Kilt" who seem to enjoy Cristal and caviar). In fact, if it works, why don't you just fly out to Vegas (on me) and deliver the check personally. I have one word for you my friend: SCORES!!!!! I am sure your schedule is busy, but it'd be a great time. Please let me know what else I can do to expedite the receipt of my lottery funds.

Most affectionately,
Stewart

I never heard back from the bastard, so he probably pocketed my winnings! Coc$%**#er!!!